Giving Thanks

 "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" Ephesians 5:20

Does that mean I should be thankful that Pearl was taken from us? I was devastated as I thought through the possible interpretation of that verse. I shoved my Bible in front of Allen and demanded what it means. 

"Just what it says" he muttered. 

I couldn't believe my muddled thoughts as I started realizing that God really could be asking us to thank Him for this. Surly, He loves us enough not to ask us to do that! Thinking back over the talk about Gratitude in the midst of suffering by Elisabeth Elliot (which you can listen to here) I realized maybe, He would!

My heart was so messed up that afternoon. Allen and I were both upset. There was church scheduled for that evening and so we got ready and left. Not because we wanted to, but because we felt like we needed to get ourselves out of the house.

The message was about surrender. 

We collapsed on the couch after getting home. I felt like I needed to obey God in this. My heart was nowhere near thankful, but for some reason I was convinced that I needed to do this. It broke me so many times as I thought of thanking God for the worst thing that has happened in my life. 

Yet He allowed it. It was His will. Was that not then a gift from Him? Yes, I realized the verse said to be thankful for all things, which included those little everyday things around me, but at this moment the one thing that I couldn't be thankful for,  seemed to be the only thing I could think about. I told Him how I felt. I thanked Him that His will was done. I broke down.

Since that prayer, I've been dreading this day of giving thanks. That one thing that has invaded my thoughts and heart still hurts. Pretending to thank God for it didn't make anything better. It actually made it a whole lot worse.

My idea of Who God is has tumbled upside down. This God of love seemed to be telling me that Pearl's death was a gift to me. The God in control seemed to be asking me to thank Him for this "gift". This God Whom I trusted was the same God Who seemed responsible for the worst pain I have experienced. 

Yet where was I supposed to turn? There really is no option unless I want to disown God and live in this terrifying world without Him. I couldn't.  

Trusting God when my view of Him is so skewed is really really hard. Yes, I know my view is skewed. I think back to times when I wasn't seeing Him through tear stained glasses. 

He is good. 

He is love. 

He is in control. 

He sent His Son for my salvation.

Yet, while I believe in Him and even want to trust and follow Him, the last thing I want to do is thank Him. 

"Thank Me for the little things."

My quenched heart can comprehend that suggestion. After all, the Bible says to thank God for all things.

So on this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for fuzzy blankets, tea, a warm house, tears, my loving husband, our sweet baby, the Bible, Jesus.

As I started thinking of the gifts God has given us, the small things quickly turned into the big things. I can thank Him for these.

With time and God's grace, maybe I can learn to thank Him for the hard. Until then, He can hold us and I can trust Him.