Giving Thanks

 "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" Ephesians 5:20

Does that mean I should be thankful that Pearl was taken from us? I was devastated as I thought through the possible interpretation of that verse. I shoved my Bible in front of Allen and demanded what it means. 

"Just what it says" he muttered. 

I couldn't believe my muddled thoughts as I started realizing that God really could be asking us to thank Him for this. Surly, He loves us enough not to ask us to do that! Thinking back over the talk about Gratitude in the midst of suffering by Elisabeth Elliot (which you can listen to here) I realized maybe, He would!

My heart was so messed up that afternoon. Allen and I were both upset. There was church scheduled for that evening and so we got ready and left. Not because we wanted to, but because we felt like we needed to get ourselves out of the house.

The message was about surrender. 

We collapsed on the couch after getting home. I felt like I needed to obey God in this. My heart was nowhere near thankful, but for some reason I was convinced that I needed to do this. It broke me so many times as I thought of thanking God for the worst thing that has happened in my life. 

Yet He allowed it. It was His will. Was that not then a gift from Him? Yes, I realized the verse said to be thankful for all things, which included those little everyday things around me, but at this moment the one thing that I couldn't be thankful for,  seemed to be the only thing I could think about. I told Him how I felt. I thanked Him that His will was done. I broke down.

Since that prayer, I've been dreading this day of giving thanks. That one thing that has invaded my thoughts and heart still hurts. Pretending to thank God for it didn't make anything better. It actually made it a whole lot worse.

My idea of Who God is has tumbled upside down. This God of love seemed to be telling me that Pearl's death was a gift to me. The God in control seemed to be asking me to thank Him for this "gift". This God Whom I trusted was the same God Who seemed responsible for the worst pain I have experienced. 

Yet where was I supposed to turn? There really is no option unless I want to disown God and live in this terrifying world without Him. I couldn't.  

Trusting God when my view of Him is so skewed is really really hard. Yes, I know my view is skewed. I think back to times when I wasn't seeing Him through tear stained glasses. 

He is good. 

He is love. 

He is in control. 

He sent His Son for my salvation.

Yet, while I believe in Him and even want to trust and follow Him, the last thing I want to do is thank Him. 

"Thank Me for the little things."

My quenched heart can comprehend that suggestion. After all, the Bible says to thank God for all things.

So on this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for fuzzy blankets, tea, a warm house, tears, my loving husband, our sweet baby, the Bible, Jesus.

As I started thinking of the gifts God has given us, the small things quickly turned into the big things. I can thank Him for these.

With time and God's grace, maybe I can learn to thank Him for the hard. Until then, He can hold us and I can trust Him.

Comments

  1. Keep thanking Him. Choosing to be thankful, even without the emotion, is the obedience He seeks.

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  2. It will 29 years that I've struggled through this holiday...Sunday this year is when my husband...yes, my best friend was taken from me...how can you be thankful??
    I have struggled as well...know you are not alone. But a complete surrender that my God knows what He is doing is what I've been able to do. I can be thankful regardless of how it makes me feel. We can be grateful that God knows what He is doing...
    Blessings to you and Allen as you surrender to our Father that is also shedding tears in our behalf.

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  3. Sometimes God lets us struggle for a while, before He shows us the reality of His goodness. But there is peace when we choose to put all our weight down on His promises in the middle of our confusion and painful absence of experiencing His goodness. We will not be
    in the unknown forever. The greater glory of seeing Him face-to-face is right around the
    corner!
    Could that be why He asked us to praise Him for everything? Is that painful act of faith meant to cement our hearts on Him?

    ReplyDelete

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