The Soap Bottle

I picked up the hand soap bottle off of the floor. It was empty. It was one of those rose scented foamy kinds. I had been saving it for a very special occasion. You see, normally I'm cheap and buy whatever brand is available at aldi. Those little containers that run out quickly and they all sort of smell the same. This lovely foamy hand soap had been gifted by a friend.

The special occasion I was saving it for was our child's birth. I thought if only I could make my cheap soaps last long enough, then after our baby is born we'll have a lovely new soap to use in our bathroom. 

Weird, right? 

But that's how I visualized a lot of our postpartum experience. I mopped the floors and cleaned up our basement laundry room. I got the guest room all ready and comfortable for my sister who I knew would be coming after the birth. I happily folded baby clothes and put the smallest baby boy and baby girl clothes into our bedroom, just waiting for our little one to arrive. I made last minute amazon orders because there were just a few more thing that I knew I needed.

When our baby was going to come, we were going to have a perfect place right down to the lovely rose scented soap on the bathroom sink.

As I held the soap bottle, the thought accured to me, I was expecting perfection. I was pretty sure that once everything was in place we could live in a perfect world. 

The reality of the past few weeks hit me, as I compared my dreams with this nightmare. 

Our beautiful baby had been born, but we could never bring her home in the car seat all buckled in for her. We got to name her the lovely name we had been so excited to use, but I would never be calling her in from the backyard by that name. The tiny white crib never would hold the tiny life we had been so excited to watch sleeping in it.

The foamy rose scented soap would never clean the hands of excited visitors, waiting for the chance to hold our sweet daughter.

Why?

Why!!!?

God shared a truth with me as I held the soap bottle. 

We live in a broken world.

I dropped the soap bottle in the trash, 

because it was empty. 

The kind family and friends had used it when they came to drop off meals and flowers. It had poured itself out for the dear people who offered us support in the time we needed it the most. It had not been wasted... 

in a broken world.

My eyes are seeing the world differently now. What I thought was a pretty wonderful place is actually a pretty broken place with a lot of God in it. It's a world where death happens and there are sometimes no logical answers. It's a place where sin and satan have been reigning and bringing more and more hurt and brokenness in. It's the place I've been living, but not the place I belong. God is here too. God is filling every heart that surrenders itself to Him.

We saw a lot of God in this broken world. Seeing Him here made us long so much more to see Him face to face in the place where the word "perfect" can never be an understatement. A place where He lovingly gathered our daughter into His arms. A place that I want to call "home". 

*I plan on posting more about the beautiful life of our daughter as well as the grief we are processing now as we navigate the world without her. You are welcome to follow along on this journey of ours.