To Be A Mother

Means:

Sacrifice

Love 

Pain

Joy

I knew these things when God gave us Pearl India. I know them in a different way now that God gave us Jasper Beau. As the doctors and nurses poked and measured and weighed my screaming baby, I just wanted them to stop. I didn't want Jasper to have to put up with any pain or discomfort. When I processed the death of my baby girl I wondered, "Did she have to feel pain?" I was comforted to hear my midwife say she didn't think so.

And there are more similarities. My heart almost popped with the joy and love I had for my son, barely believing I would be able to take him home and care for him. As I held Pearl, my heart was broken in a million pieces with the love I had for my perfect baby that we couldn't keep.

There are differences too. Each day I get to know Jasper a little better, and each day I wonder what Pearl would be like at this stage. What would she think of having a baby brother? Would she get a wee bit jealous of having to share her parents with another baby?

As I tuck Jasper in to sleep, I peer at him and listen closely for his breath while I hold mine. In those moments, he looks just like Pearl, bundled up in a blanket, a sweet face peeking out from under a warm hat. "He's breathing," I have to remind myself.

I asked Allen what he was thankful for as we drove to our Thanksgiving celebration. He said, 

"My little family."

And I couldn't agree more. 

I have a loving husband, a mystery daughter that I get to meet and enjoy for all of eternity, and a baby boy that yawns and stretches, crys and grins, and stares wide eyed at the world around him.

In my heart, I know that God is good.

He was good a year ago when we sat in the deepest pain I have ever faced and He is still good in the joy we feel today.

                           Pearl India                                                          7 lbs 6 oz 19.5 in                                                            10/7/20

                              Jasper Beau                                                           7 lbs 5 oz 19 in                                                             11/7/21

》Some day soon I will post more pictures of Jasper and also tell about the many answered prayers surrounding his birth.