Hope

His little arm nestled into mine, just so, these are the moments I imagined being a mama would be all about. 

Of course keeping my cool during his seemingly unending screams was conveniently not dreamed about. We tend to picture what we desire the most as perfection, don't we?

Speaking of perfection... I think his sweet little face comes mighty close.

My dreams of this little man began exactly like it sounds, a dream. My family was gathered for Christmas, I couldn't tell where we were, but I could feel the joy in the air. A baby was sitting in someone's lap being oohed and ahhed over. Though I had never met the baby before, I knew that he was ours. I awoke  with a lovely feeling of hope in my soul.  I had this dream Christmas Eve one year ago. We were in the thick of the pain of Christmas without our baby. Could it be that God was giving us a hint of what was to come?

I clung to that hope over the next months as I grieved our baby girl. Grief and hope lived side by side. Grief that she was gone from our arms, that we couldn't watch her become a big sister, that we couldn't get to know her personality. Hope in the promise of seeing her again, hope in knowing she is in Jesus' arms, hope for a baby brother for her someday.

This Christmas, our family gathered early. We exchanged gifts aound the fire place. Jasper even had his own gift to give. The weekend was full for him. Meeting so many new faces. Being passed from one person to the next. Sleeping through our loud Harshbarger games! 

Now we look at a new year where grief and hope and joy continue to intermingle and we remember that each moment is held by God, even before it happens.